I AM Stronger

One thing that has been really difficult for me to do on this blog is talk about my battle with cancer. Initially, it was not very hard at all, because I was speaking from a perspective of having been healed. Yet since the recurrence, it has been hard.  I have taken baby steps - referencing "a situation I have been dealing with" - but it was always done with trepidation.

I believe God has been dealing with me on that lately by emphasizing fear. In a recent comment, a sister in the Lord shared something God had told her, "I AM stronger than your fears!" That phrase took hold of me and wouldn't let me go.  It was as if God was speaking to me directly.

I have been telling myself that my cancer has nothing to do with this blog.  That I don't want to be like Hezekiah, being taken advantage of by the devil for sharing too much at the wrong time (Isaiah 39).  Yet, the truth is that I had reasons for not sharing that had nothing to do with those things: the voice of fear.  "Make the wrong move, do the wrong thing, and the cancer will return. Share that God is healing you too soon, and the cancer will spread."  While I would cast these down and counter them with faith in God, the thoughts only grew dim, but never dissipated.  May God forgive me for giving ear to these lies for even one second.

The following I have shared with those closest to me, but I intentionally did not put it on the blog.  I believe it is now time to share. I write this, not to receive accolades or even sympathy from others. May all glory be to God.  I just desire to be obedient to the Lord and to stand against this spirit of fear which wants me to keep my mouth shut. Hey, I want to be free at all costs, and I don't care what I have to share.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer about 8 years ago.  The doctors told me that if I didn't do chemo and radiation, I would likely be dead in five years.  However, the Lord told me not to, so I didn't. By following the Lord's direction, I remained cancer-free for about 2 years; then the cancer returned.

This past April, I started going to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA) to see what other treatment options are available. They found that - although cancer has been in my lymph nodes for the past 8 years - it had not spread anywhere else in my body. They couldn't explain that.  I lie to you not when I say that the oncologist seemed somewhat disappointed by the results. Not that he wanted me to be sick, but he was stumped by what he could not explain.

"And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?" Job 38:11

"Thou hast set a bound that they may not pass over; that they turn not again to cover the earth..." Psalm 104:9a

"Fear ye not me? Saith the LORD: will ye not tremble at my presence, which have placed the sand for the bound of the sea by a perpetual decree, that it cannot pass it: and though the waves thereof toss themselves, yet can they not prevail; though they roar, yet can they not pass over it?" Jeremiah 5:22

Nonetheless, the scare tactics began as they continued the medical feedback I have heard for the past 8 years such as, "Unless we do chemo, radiation, and surgery, the cancer is going to spread throughout your whole body and you will die a horrible death. God did not tell you not to do chemo. You need to have faith and listen to the experts that God has placed before you."  I told them that I would need to pray on it, and I did.  Yet God gave me no additional instruction from what He had said initially, "No chemo and no radiation."

I told the oncologist this summer that I would not do the chemo or radiation, but I wanted to continue to see him so that I could be monitored. He said, "It is going to go very badly for you." I replied, "I don't believe that. I believe that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes." At that, He refused to continue seeing me. He said that if I would not follow his treatments, then there was no point for him to monitor me.

I continued trying to find a CTCA oncologist to monitor me. Not because I felt like I needed a doctor, but because I felt that this is what the Lord wanted me to do. None would. I was told specifically, "We do not need to monitor you because we know what is going to happen. Your cancer tumor marker numbers are going to go up." When I reminded them that my numbers had already gone down by about 100 points in the past month, they dismissed that and attributed the decrease to a recent surgery.

Three months later, an Internist agreed to see me and I met with him and another doctor. Immediately they asked me, "Why are you afraid to do chemo?" I told them that I was not afraid of chemo at all. However, the Lord told me not to do it, so I am not going to.  "What do you mean the Lord told you?", they asked. "How do you know it is not just yourself you are hearing?" I replied, "Because I know His voice."

The entire meeting - which I had thought would be about discussing my cancer numbers - was spent witnessing to these two doctors about the Lord. The biggest obstacle for them was science. You see, their decisions were based upon science and had lots of statistics to back it up. Their decision was based on intelligence and reason. Why would God tell me to ignore the very science and treatments He had put in place to treat people? I shared about how God uses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. I shared how Peter defied every natural and scientific law by walking on water. I shared how the Lord is faithful and able to do even the impossible when we believe.

At the end of the meeting, they both gave me a hug. They could only say, "Your faith is so much bigger than ours. If this works for you, it will be amazing." Then they offered to run my cancer tumor markers. Even though they had taken my blood prior to the meeting, they never ordered those tests because they were so sure that my numbers would have increased.

As I waited for the nurse to come draw my blood again, the second doctor came back in, and shut the door behind her. She told me that she was a new believer and was inspired by my testimony. She thanked me and told me she was going to pray about taking me on as a patient. Why did she need to pray? Because she would run the risk of incurring the anger of her medical colleagues if she did. She gave me another hug and left the room. After the nurse took my blood again, she whispered to me before leaving the room, "Keep praying, because prayer works." I smiled and said that I would. She had not even been in the room during the discussion, so I knew the doctors must have been talking about it to others.

Even though the meeting hadn't gone the way I excepted, I was happy when I left because I knew that this meeting had touched a few hearts. Yet I was also sad, because something about the doctors' faith in science was preventing them from having faith in God. In their minds, it was either science or God as truth; and they were choosing Science; the one they could figure out with their own minds.

Finally, I got home and looked on-line to check my numbers. I found that my cancer tumor markers had decreased by about 200 points since June. I am now about 100 points away from there being no detectable cancer in my body. I rejoice in this, not simply because God is healing me of cancer, but because it is a witness to the CTCA doctors that God does exactly what He wants to do. It is hopefully a testimony that prods them to turn away from the false idol they call science and turn to the Living God. I am not against science nor medicine, but God is able to do even what their science says is impossible.

"And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible." Mark 10:27

The Internist has told me that he is "impressed" with my results, but all I can do is say, "Thank you Jesus!"  It is truly not my doing.  I have watched this summer as God has taken a breast that was stone hard, painful, bleeding, puckered, and without feeling and turned it back into pliable tissue and skin that is without pain and no longer an open wound. Experiencing this is humbling as you see the awesome power of God and His hand at work. It literally encourages you to not only believe in the impossible, but to expect it!

I EXPECT to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living as He uses us to bring in those who are lost. If you will, please pray for these doctors, that they will come to know the Lord. The prayers of the righteous still avail much.

God is causing this cancerous tumor to dry up and die, praise God!  God is faithful, and I appreciate the sisters and brothers that He has placed in my path as a reminder.  Will I rejoice prior to the victory is manifested or wait until afterwards? I will rejoice now, because I know the Lord in whom I trust.

Additional Resources:

The Joy of the Lord

Why Should You Back Down When God is Backing You Up?

Do You Still Believe?